Memory Lane
by OTH-FOQ
Summary: Spencer Reid's at the BAU alone, and there's a letter waiting for him on his desk.


**I don't own Criminal Minds.**

**This is set in season 2 after Greenaway's departure and before Reid gets kidnapped. It's my first story about Criminal Minds, but be honest in your reviews. I want to know your opinion :)**

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It was early in the morning when Spencer Reid dropped his jacket on his desk and sat down on his chair at the BAU. He was alone in the open-space, but that wasn't a surprise. He was often the first one to be at work. He knew for a fact that Gideon used to spend a lot of time in his office too, but recently he had taken a few days off. Reid didn't know why and he didn't question it. It was none of his business.

There was a picture on his desk; he took it. It was a photo of Morgan, JJ, Elle and him. They had taken it during one of their trips on the plane a year ago. Before Elle got shot, before everything got complicated and before she left the BAU without even saying goodbye.

Reid often thought about those two days that had changed him forever. When he had learnt about Elle getting shot, he was sure he'd never see her again. But she had made it through. Except that a part of her had died that fateful day. That was also the moment when he realized that his job truly was dangerous. That their lives were at stake with each case they worked on. That there was a possibility he could die on one of his missions. It had taken Elle Greenaway almost dying for him to understand that. Then she had resigned. She had left. And he hadn't even been here to watch her walk out of his life. That had changed him too.

Spencer had believed that he had been a friend to Elle. But in the end, he wasn't so sure about that. He had tried to reach out to her but she was so guarded that he couldn't do much. Elle was strong, but not _that_ strong. No one could go through this kind of hell and come back unchanged. She had managed to fool her team, and he honestly didn't know how. They should have known. They should've known something was wrong with her and they surely shouldn't have sent her undercover to catch the rapist they were after. It was too soon. It was too much. And as good at her job as she was, Elle hadn't been able to handle it. No one had been here to help. Spencer had tried, he really had. But how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped ?

He sighed and put his head between his hands. Somehow he always ended up thinking about Elle. He missed her. He supposed that the rest of the team missed her too. The new agent, Emily Prentiss, was a good person. Even though it had been difficult to see her taking Elle's desk; Spencer knew that sooner or later it would've eventually happened. He was glad it was Emily. She was quite different from Elle and he found it easier to be around her because of that. He wouldn't want anyone to be like former agent Greenaway. No one could replace her. He didn't want to forget her. Their friendship never had a closure, and he knew that was why he kept thinking about her.

Reid took his jacket and put it aside. He had some papers to read before the others got here. A brown envelope caught his attention. There was no address written on it; only his name.

_**Spencer Reid.**_

And he vaguely recognized the handwriting. Feverishly, he took the letter and opened it with the small knife Morgan had given him for his birthday last month. Even before reading the first word, he knew from who it was.

_Reid,_

_I know I have no right to send you this letter. You probably hate me. You probably _all_ hate me. Please, before throwing this into your garbage bin or into a fire, just read it._

_I was never good at voicing my feelings. Being an FBI agent made it seem okay because in this job you have to be tough. You have to let your emotions home. That's partly why I chose to be part of the FBI._

_Tell me, genius, how can you explain to someone that you are afraid of your own shadow when you are supposed to be fearless ? I kept telling you I was fine. Spencer, I'm sorry I lied to you. Of course you saw right through it but I kept denying the obvious : I was a ghost. The Elle that first joined the BAU died when she got shot into her own house. I've never felt so helpless than that day, in that moment. You know enough about me to understand that being helpless and needy is one thing I hate. I just couldn't face the truth. I couldn't accept the fact that my life would never be the same. I was angry all the time, nervous, scared. I don't need to tell you about all of this because I'm sure you can imagine what kind of hell it's been._

_I need to apologize for my behavior toward you the day before I left. You were only trying to be a friend and I pushed you away. Spencer, if I did that, it's only because I didn't want to take you down with me. I knew I was spiraling out of control and I couldn't risk you. You would have tried to help, and somehow I knew that I couldn't be helped if I didn't reach the bottom of the abyss first. I snapped. It was a mistake to go see Lee that night. I realize that now. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I hope you'll never do such a mistake._

_I'm working on getting better now. I really miss all of you, and I often read about you in the newspaper. I see the new girl's doing a good job. I'm glad she's not a nutcase like me._

Spencer actually paused to smile at that, before his eyes went on to the next line.

_Please, Reid, do not think that you didn't try hard enough. You were being a friend to me. I always considered you as such. And if I never told you that, it's because it seemed logical to me. I don't know how anyone could not love you. You are by far the greatest guy I've ever met, but don't tell Morgan or he'll make your life a living hell._

So she still had her sense of humor. That was good to know. He understood that it was her way to protect herself. Her way to compliment him without actually making it too obvious.

_I know I hurt you by leaving without saying goodbye. I'm not trying to make up excuses. I guess I was afraid I would break in front of everyone and I really didn't want that. Please, tell Hotch he doesn't have to feel guilty about sending me home that day. I was wrong to be mad at him. I understand that what happened was no one but Garner's fault. I would tell him myself but I'm not sure he'd want anything to do with me._

_You are free to show this letter to the others if you want to. Just know that I wrote it for you, and only for you. One day, maybe, when my life will be back on tracks, I'll come to see you. One day I might be able to pick up my phone and call you. One day, I might actually be worthy of being your friend. I hope I'll never disappoint you again, Spencer. I'm sorry. I really am._

_I miss you._

_Your friend,_

_Elle._

His eyes remained fixed on the name written at the bottom of the letter until he couldn't see it anymore. Spencer then realized that he was crying, and that was why he couldn't see anything anymore. Swiftly, he wiped away his tears and put the letter on his desk. He read it again, twice, to make sure he hadn't missed anything. He felt weird, suddenly. Dizzy. This was what he had been waiting for silently, but never truly hoped would happen. But there it was, on his desk. Elle's apology. Elle's first words to him after seven whole months of silence. He could've kissed Gideon had he been here.

Reid was so caught up in his little world that he didn't even hear the two people coming his way.

"Yo Reid, what's that big smile for ? You got yourself a date or somethin' ?" Morgan's voice asked.

JJ simply smiled at him. He looked around him and saw that the open-space was not so empty anymore. He could even see the lights on in Gideon's office. Slowly, he put Elle's letter in his top drawer and locked it with a key. Then he looked up at Morgan and said :

"Nope, no date. Just news from an old friend. Hey do you know if Hotch's here yet ?"

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**What did you think ? I know there are a lot of people who dislike Elle (although I don't understand why, so maybe you can explain) but she's my favorite character. That doesn't mean I don't like Prentiss (I'd be stupid not to like her). Anyway, I was pissed to see how quickly they've forgotten her in the show so I wrote this. Reviews are more than welcomed ! :)**

**OTH-FOQ**


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